Setting boundaries is tricky in any relationship, but it’s crucial to preserving your emotional well-being and creating trusting long-lasting friendships. Whether you’re feeling emotionally drained by a friend, don’t feel they’re respecting your privacy, or you need some more alone time, boundaries can help stabilize a friendship.

We consulted with Friendship and Relationship Coach Shari Leid about the best strategies for setting boundaries in a friendship.

Understand Your Needs

First and foremost, figure out what you need. If you have a friend that’s always late and you feel your time is not respected, decide whether that means meeting in a more timely fashion or hanging out in a group where the impact is lessened. If your friend likes to communicate daily and you don’t have the social stamina for that, understand that you need a little healthy distance. It’s crucial to figure out what you’re asking for before the conversation.

“Having self-confidence and knowing your worth is crucial,” says Leid. “Once you determine that the boundary you are setting aligns with your values and are clear with your own understanding of why a boundary needs to be established at this time, you’ll be able to move forward with conviction.” 

Be Direct, But Kind 

Have a clear conversation with your friend about your needs. Use “I” statements and discuss your feelings rather than “you do this,” or “you’re insensitive.” Come prepared with solutions, like scheduling a weekly phone catch up if you’re uncomfortable with spontaneous calls. Be clear that you value the friendship and this is what you need to continue feeling close to them.

“When you set a boundary, provide a personal reason and emphasize the value of your friendship,” says Leid. “Explain how the boundary strengthens your relationship.”

Back Up Words With Actions

Just because you set a boundary doesn’t necessarily mean the other person will respect it. Decide how to handle it if your friend continues with the behavior you’ve asked her to stop. Maybe you’re willing to remind her of your boundaries one more time, but then you’re finished. For example, if you don’t like when your friend wears shoes in your home, you would set a boundary with them that they take off their shoes before entering. If they do not the next time they visit, remind them gently. If they continue to ignore the request, you stop inviting them over. 

“Trust your gut on how to approach your friend and be ready for pushback or even for it to change your relationship,” says Leid. “Hopefully, if it is a close friend, any changes will be temporary.” 

When Boundaries Aren’t Enough

Keep in mind that in situations with physical or emotional violence, coercion or threatening behavior, or self-harm, boundaries are not the answer. No healthy relationship has those elements and you should seek more significant support to resolve those situations.